I sucked it up and asked my mom to buy DD soccer equipment. She said she would. I just couldn't fit it into my budget. I have made an appointment for Friday to take the physical.
All this will change if DD decides not to play after the meeting tomorrow. They are going to tell her she has to take out her nose ring, but she doesn't think they will. Who knows what she will decide if they do. It would close up pretty fast since it isn't that old.
Sucked it Up
January 9th, 2013 at 06:29 pm
January 9th, 2013 at 06:30 pm 1357756243
January 9th, 2013 at 06:34 pm 1357756465
Can you contact an email list from last year's team and see if any of the senior girls who have moved on have things to sell/lend/pass on? That is what we tend to do for dance. My 8th grader has two holes in each ear (got the second hole in August) and since she can only wear one pair of earing (per school rules) she left the rings in on the second hole and doesn't wear any in the older (normal placed) holes. In high school it is much less of a problem. Hope they let her keep her nose ring.
January 9th, 2013 at 06:40 pm 1357756816
January 9th, 2013 at 06:50 pm 1357757436
January 9th, 2013 at 07:33 pm 1357759990
January 9th, 2013 at 08:09 pm 1357762161
Glad you found a way to make it work North Georgia Girl. Though it sounds like it may be all for naught anyways!
January 9th, 2013 at 09:40 pm 1357767617
You didn't "suck it up" to ask your mom, you have no problem asking your mother for things as evidenced by the past 5 years' history of your blog. Your actions have always spoken louder than your than when you say "I hate to ask Mom" ...
If you would have used your allowance money (that you use for fast food instead of preparing food yourself) to pay for soccer, that would have been "sucking it up". If you would downgrade your premium cable package that would be "sucking it up". There are probably half a dozen more examples of things that would be proof of you "sucking it up", but asking your mom for money (again) is not one of them. It's time that you should admit that.
January 9th, 2013 at 10:26 pm 1357770411
January 9th, 2013 at 11:32 pm 1357774345
I invite all readers to read the entire blog. Any "it's okay don't worry about it" comments at this stage are just enabling NGG to avoid dealing with her core issues and condemning her to a life with debt as a noose around the neck.
January 9th, 2013 at 11:59 pm 1357775940
January 10th, 2013 at 12:30 am 1357777859
I am one guilty of accepting help from my parents, and all in the interest of my children. I'm guilty of being the parent of talented dancers (Irish) who perform and compete at at least a national and north American level. I have several other children and one year because of high medical bills, I accepted the offer of help from the grandparents: $4,500 for two dresses, $500 for four wigs, and $100 for shoes and socks.
January 10th, 2013 at 01:06 am 1357779998
January 10th, 2013 at 02:35 am 1357785348
All of the above said, I do agree with Jenn that your daughter should be figuring this out. I think that is some valid input.
My pet peeve when it comes to financial blogs is denial and cluelessness. I don't get that sense from you in the least. You have always been very open and honest, and clearly know what is what. If you would be better served by me nagging about you every single day about the debt you have to pay off, just let me know. If that is what you need, I am hear from you. I don't see how that is very useful and helpful, is all.
January 10th, 2013 at 02:37 am 1357785456
January 10th, 2013 at 03:18 am 1357787930
January 10th, 2013 at 03:21 am 1357788090
January 10th, 2013 at 05:18 am 1357795118
January 10th, 2013 at 02:06 pm 1357826817
I think that it is very easy to judge a person's situation; I should know, I've been guilty of it myself. However, until you really know everything that is or isn't going on, it is best not to really comment. I think that NGG's has made some great strides over the past years (following her blog pretty much weekly, instead of reading it all in one sitting). And a person's financial situation doesn't turn around over night. And how money fits into personal relationships is always different in every situation.
In my relationship with my parents, money is always difficult. My mother never had any when we were growing up, and my father (from a wealthy family) never paid child support and now uses his money as a tool/power/to control and manipulate. I'm too proud to ask for help, however if it is offered, I'm smart enough to realize to take it. As I stated previously, I've accepted enough money to outfit my daughters for a major competition. I've accepted tutoring my son with dyslexia that my mother paid for. I've accepted milk money for the year for five kids. I have had to ask for my inlaws to purchase cleats and soccer socks for my daughter.
And I should add that I don't know how much the soccer equipment will cost, but I bet that it wasn't that much. I don't think it was easy for NGG to ask, just my $.02.
January 10th, 2013 at 03:30 pm 1357831817
But we see NGG trying (while slipping up) and our tendency is to say "there, there".
I think that NGG sees her mom as a financial safety net that is always there. That takes away the urgency and a necessity of really doing more to stand on her own and change the situation. She knows at the back of her mind that she won't have to make those really tough choices and she can always ask for money when it comes to that. I don't think it is a good thing.
I think there is a difference between accepting completely unsolicited gift/help, and asking for money. And yet another difference about asking for financial help on a regular basis. (I do consider that telling a parent that is so pre-disposed to helping about your woes or problems is asking).
January 10th, 2013 at 06:27 pm 1357842461
January 10th, 2013 at 06:40 pm 1357843256
Not having any serious addictive or depressive tendencies myself (although I have my bad habits and my ups and downs), I tend to go easy when I see what I perceive as a different psychological/chemical make-up. You can't always pit "common sense" and "financial discipline" against real emotional or mental problems.
That's not necessarily the issue with the daughter's soccer equipment, but commenters have been throwing out comments about lots of things, so I thought I'd say something. Again, forgive me if I'm totally out of line here. You seem like a really nice and well-intentioned person, and I think that's one of the reasons your blog has so many impassioned followers, including me.
January 10th, 2013 at 09:13 pm 1357852401
I didn't just start reading Saving Advise yesterday, I've been reading it for years on and off. I have an adult daughter who I help out at times. However she never asks, I just do it and she is very thankful for it. I have parents who have helped me out when I was also a single mom. I never asked and it didnt happen often but when they did lend money I paid it back as soon as possible, before buying junk food, soda and other things I felt I couldnt or didnt want to live without at the time.
I thought part of the idea of being able to post comments was to make the OP stop and think about what they are doing, as well as give advise etc yet if one goes against the popular opinion they get jumped on.
What will happen in my opinion is that when NGG's daughter becomes an adult she will be the same as NGG and rely on her mother for support instead of finding ways to help herself. I don't think she is being taught anything different.
Just like the puppy, remember that? At what point does it stop if ever? Can any of you ansswer that? Don't you think borrowing money from relatives and then getting a dog and paying for dog foot and vet bills etc is like a slap in the face to those people who haven't been paid back?
The daughter cleans house for the grandmother and is paid for it, why can she not buy her own sports gear?
These are just some of my thoughts and I wouldn't see it any different if it were my daughter living and acting this way. I'd tell her the same thing. Maybe I'm mean and ugly and my views are skewed!
January 10th, 2013 at 10:21 pm 1357856496
I'll stop speaking for NGG now. Besides, I can tell I'm not going to calm you down, and I don't want to keep stirring up the hornet's nest.
January 10th, 2013 at 11:21 pm 1357860075
I personally believe that it is very easy to judge, you get more bees with honey, and that people change when they want to change. That's just my personal feelings and experiences, and nothing you could say would make me comment any differently than I have in the past. I think if you want to be constructive at all, aim your comments to NGG and leave it at that. Harping on all the faults you have found reading her blog and inviting us all to jump in, and criticising the rest of us, is just... I don't know what that is... Of course you perceive some defensiveness.
January 10th, 2013 at 11:31 pm 1357860700
Do you remember a few months ago when NGG was grumbling about having to pay a (not so expensive) fee for her daughter's school lunches? A responsible 40-year-old adult knows that this (not so expensive) fee is a NEED. Funny how she just forgot again recently this time about this fee, and just happened to let her mother know about this fee, knowing that of course, her widowed, elderly mother would offer to pay for her granddaughter's food, probably because as past history shows, she doesn't get to be involved in her granddaughter's life unless she is offering money.
To not have prepared for this (not so expensive) school lunch fee, (or pretending to have forgotten about it) is a pretty serious thing that someone should be called out on.
Ceejay, I also disagree with your statement that NGG doesn't feel like she "deserves" things or is "entitled". She is currently locked in a victim mentality. She grumbled about how other people would have been dishonest and scammed their way into getting the subsidized school lunches, but because she declared her child support income, she wouldn't qualify. It's absolutely true that there are many people who would scam, and that's why she felt sorry for herself, and because she felt sorry for herself, that's why she didn't make sure she was going to pay it when the fee came due again. But instead of paying for her daughter's NEED, there were plenty of WANTS that she found the money for, for herself. For every scammer out there who qualified for the subsidized lunches --- there are just as many, if not more, single parents who do not receive any child support payments at all, and they still find a way to pay full price and do not ask for subsidies, and they take pride in themselves that they are responsible adults.
If Grandma does end up paying for soccer equipment, how about the next cleaning sessions the daughter does for her are done without her being paid $20.00 per session? And done cheerfully, without Grandma feeling like she will lose her daughter and granddaughter from her life unless she financially supports them?
If we just focus on this one incident of Grandma offering to pay for equipment, we are all overreacting, of course. Usually it is not a big deal if a grandparent makes an offer like this. But NGG's labelling it as her "sucking it up" to ask for help instead of admitting that it was taking the easy way out again, and realizing that this one isolated incident is not very isolated at all and is just one example amongst many in the big picture of what the issues are.
NGG has complete potential and ability to overcome past bad habits and poor decisions, but irresponsible comments (albeit wellmeaning)about how she can't help it (when she can!!!) will keep her in a victim mentality and no progress will be made.
January 11th, 2013 at 12:00 am 1357862406
Despite whatever circumstances, I don't think it is easy for NGG to ask for help. I think she's on her way to making better choices with her budget and spending, and no situation can be completely eradicated overnight.
I don't think that the responses here from regular SAs are irresponsible. I think some people feel compelled to pour salt in wounds.
January 11th, 2013 at 12:23 am 1357863828
January 11th, 2013 at 12:37 am 1357864640
January 11th, 2013 at 12:58 am 1357865923
January 11th, 2013 at 01:37 am 1357868232
Shouldn't there be lots of extra money from not paying for cigarettes any more? Where has that money gone?
January 11th, 2013 at 03:40 am 1357875631
NGG wanted to move a few years ago, and having trouble selling her old home, decided to become a landlord, which honestly, isn't a bad idea. I'm in the same boat, and have done quite well once I made that decision, and am getting ready to buy another rental property for more income / tax benefits.
Her parents generously offered to pay her mortgage on her new home until she found renters. Unfortunately, against many folks advice, she took on the first potential tenants she found, without doing a background check. Not once, but twice, and ended up paying for families to live in her home, since they took advantage of her.
Now she has paying tenants, yet still has not paid a payment on her current home, so she is essentially living mortgage free, and asking her mom to pay for a want of a child who is old enough to have a nose ring, yet not responsible enough to contribute her own money to soccer.
Many of us are seeing a pattern here, and feel that its time to take on the tough love approach.
The good thing about NGG is that she is dead honest about her spending, and seeing the fast food expenses / parent contributions makes many of us question her decisions.
Bottom line is that I think we all hope that NGG is reading all of these comments with a thick skin, and at the very least, uses a few of our criticisms to better her financial future.
Finally, as a former smoker, we can't harp too much on the cigarette purchases, which admittingly, are quite expensive these days. Quitting smoking was the hardest thing I ever did.
January 11th, 2013 at 04:22 am 1357878157
Long time lurkers and infrequent posters have no real right to take a tough love approach
NGG, I hope that in scrolling down through all of these comments, you'll see the regulars are supportive of the progress you've made. Delete the rest.
January 11th, 2013 at 04:41 am 1357879313
Keep up the good work NGG. You do have supporters here
January 11th, 2013 at 04:49 am 1357879749
January 11th, 2013 at 04:06 pm 1357920382
January 11th, 2013 at 05:45 pm 1357926318
" I hope that in scrolling down through all of these comments, you'll see the regulars are supportive of the progress you've made. Delete the rest. "
I hope that most people don't just take the praise and delete the criticism... I agree that NGG is probably more honest than many, but the nature of blogging opens you up to this sort of input.
I haven't seen anyone attack NGG personally, but only her choices. It does seem like this blog shows only a viscous cycle that never seems to change. Perhaps it is time to try to help in a different way?
January 11th, 2013 at 07:03 pm 1357931005
I got a job at age 12 and paid for my own clothes, shoes, books and other activities. It taught me to budget and be aware of money at a very early age.
Maybe the daughter needs to get a part time job and learn to be responsible. If she can clean one house, maybe she can clean two houses!
January 12th, 2013 at 04:46 am 1357965988
January 12th, 2013 at 04:46 am 1357966015
Hang in there, NGG!
January 12th, 2013 at 05:06 am 1357967181
January 12th, 2013 at 05:01 pm 1358010118
January 12th, 2013 at 07:56 pm 1358020600
I realize now that what works for one person doesn't necessarily work for another. And I also realize now that however well-intentioned my constructive criticism was, it perhaps was just perceived as criticism and bashing. Not my intention at all. I believe I may have offended more than one person and for that I apologize.
I'm going to be taking a break from further commenting - my choice - and it's okay. I also hope to leave it at that, and hopefully we can put this comment thread to an end, and by "we" I include myself too
January 12th, 2013 at 08:46 pm 1358023594
January 13th, 2013 at 05:37 pm 1358098648
January 10th, 2013 at 08:22 pm
Long time lurkers and infrequent posters have no real right to take a tough love approach
So Laura, how many posts is one required to have before they are able to post their opinion and where would I find this rule or policy on saving advice?
January 13th, 2013 at 10:00 pm 1358114459
January 14th, 2013 at 03:43 am 1358134983
My statement was in response to someone's comment about "banding together to take a tough love approach." I feel that anonymous posters who are blogger-bashing really aren't doing anyone any favors ("tough love" or whatever it was referred to as). Seems like a lot of bullying to me. I've never seen anyone with psuedonyms like NonEnabler, Tammy, Blue Devil, or Roger Hayes who had plenty of critical things to say. Constructive criticism has value; these comments served nothing that to make the OP feel worse about herself. You've referred to deleting your blog on another thread; I do hope that you see that we as a cohesive group are very supportive of one another's journeys. Sorry that you took offense; I simply found some of the comments offensive.